The pantomime bubble.

Well it has been way too long since I posted anything up here, sorry about that everyone but after you’ve finished reading this I have a feeling you might understand why!!!!

I think we would all agree that no matter who you are December is a busy busy month, Christmas takes over and the panic to make sure we have the right presents, enough food as well as trying to arrange who is going where and at what time on what day without upsetting the family makes it a very stressful time. Don’t get me wrong Christmas is a time of year that I love, I love the way it makes me people feel, the lights, the excitement it brings the food, the drink I love it all. I am just saying it can be quite stressful.


Good God what a month or so that really was. It was always gonna be tough, Tom Evans my esteemed co host and friend and I have now appeared in 3 panto’s and went into it with our eyes open knowing that fatigue would be our mistress for the month, but then it all went tits up.

” Honey,  Reuben has got chicken pox ” these were the words that started it all, my eldest son Reuben who is nearly four got struck down in the middle of December, he got it bad and was terribly poorly for a week or so before finally shifting it……………….. and then getting a 24 hour vomiting bug!!!!! Which he then passed onto my poor wife Sal who spent 24 hours throwing up herself along with a puking  4-year-old, screaming 6 week old all on her own because her husband was busy getting his Glitter on in Worthing.

I know I was out earning and all that but I am sure any of you that have kids will be able to relate to the guilt I felt having to leave my family in such a state everyday. I have to be honest as well & say that what made me feel worse was when I arrived at the theater each day to panto my ass off I had fun, I laughed and smiled, all why my clan suffered at home, not good man, certainly a Christmas I will be happy to forget. What will be harder to forget though I am quite sure are the people I met and grew close to over that panto run.

Even when things are fine at home pantomime is a strange existence, I always describe it as a bubble and that is exactly what it is. The 6 weeks or so you are together with the cast are so intense because you quite literally live with each other, you see these folks far more than your family and you can’t help but become close, you make friends, live in each others pockets, offer support and a pat on the back when someone needs it and then at the start of January POOOOOPPPPHHHH!!!! They’re gone.

The first 4 or 5 days after it’s finished are weird you can’t stop singing or humming the songs, everyday sentences remind you of the script, you can’t get all the eyeliner and glitter off and you cant quite get your head around the fact that after 52 shows and 4 weeks of performance you will never have to dance that box step or say that gag again. Don’t get me wrong you’re glad it is over and you can get your life back but I am quite happy to admit that I drove home the night after the final show with a tear in my eye but that was only for one reason…….. it is never easy saying goodbye to special people is it.

Thanks Allan, Ian, Charlie, Janine, Darren, Tony, Henry, Nathan, Chris and of course one of my dearest Tom for getting me through another one, it was both a totally shit but great month at the same time. I hope one day I will see you again.

The person I lastly want to thank here is my wife.

Thank you Sally Ann for loving me, being my wife and the best mummy our boys could hope for. I love you. You are beyond tough my girl xxxx

Happy new year everyone thanks for visiting & if you haven’t already found it I wish you nothing but Love for 2014.

Take great care

Lots of love The Lord Chamberlain AKA LC AKA

J x



He’s behind you!!!!

He’s behind you!!!!!

So the panto has begun!!!! Oh no it hasn’t oh yes it has…………… oh just shut up!!!!!

I am appearing (not starring I hasten to add) in Jack and the Beanstalk at the Connaught theatre in Worthing this year, it is the 3rd pantomime I have appeared in in as many years and I’ve got to tell you it is a strange little world to live in for a month or so, but more on that later.

December or the last 3 anyway prove a tricky month for me, in fact scrap that tricky isn’t the right word, it is damn right tough. I know before you all start shouting at me that I am very blessed to the job I do at Heart and am very grateful for the doors it opens for me, doors like the one’s at the Connaught theatre but getting up at 4.10am everyday to do a radio show & then 2 panto’s before trying to get home and help with 2 under 4’s that need feeding, bathing & entertaining is hard man, long days and long long nights. Thank God I have a supportive and pretty bloody amazing wife!!

It is a tough month for me that cannot be argued however at the same time it is also great fun and as I mentioned at the start of this blog a very strange little existence……… very very strange indeed!!!!

Where else during your working day could you find yourself at around midday standing in front of a 8 foot Jodie Marsh lookalike with gut ache who’s got the hump because someone called Jack who keeps singing Miley Cyrus songs is trying to nick a harp that talks and a bird that has stuff coming out of it’s arse you would actually like to get your hands on. All while trying to convince my friend who has a daughter only 2 years younger than him that he shouldn’t cop off with a 6 foot woman called Ian otherwise he will have a stepson called Simon who is so stupid he makes Joey Essex look like Stephen Hawking & inherit a cow that can dance while crapping milk already in a bottle. At the same time as all of that I’m trying to escape from a bloke called fleshy who is plainly in love with said Jodie Marsh lookalike and avoid being grabbed by the balls by doing the only thing I can think of & singing the theme tune from a well known 80’s film. Did I mention that whilst this is all going on we are all relying on one of our most beloved TV personalities to not only get us home safely but also to remember our big sign off line at the end of the show!!!!! (I love you Charlie) I told you it was WEIRD!!!!!! Still the Princess is fit so if it all gets too much I just gawp at her for a few minutes & it pulls me through.

It is a truly strange existence & I haven’t even started on the kind of weirdness that goes on backstage, the other day I saw a fully grown man trying to seduce a light switch!!! TRUE!!!!!

Come and see the show if you get a chance this year, I truly believe it will be as much fun to watch as it is to be in, you’ll love it.

Being serious for a second I must say the best thing about doing this by far is the people, I have always loved meeting new people, learning about lives so different from mine and hearing stories of how they ended up backstage covered in make up, glitter and in some cases wearing Teats.

The cast & crew and everyone involved in this show are kind, funny……….. Lovely.

Thank you Allan, Janine, Tony, Darren, Ian, Charlie, Henry, Geoff, Marc, Nathan, Chris and of course my boy Tom Evans for getting me through this month. I only hope in someway I am helping you to get through it too.

Let’s have a drink when it’s all done.

J x

No more, absolutely no more!!!

Wow!!!! What a month or so that was!!!!

Headlines are these; Sally Ann & I welcomed our new son Eddie Thornton Hayes into the world on the 1/11/13 at exactly 07.30 in the morning, and at the exact moment my life become complete. He is wonderful. He is loud. He is really quite windy for such a little man & he smells truly amazing!

Any of you guys reading this that have children will know that it is a incredible thing witnessing the birth of your baby, it is exhilarating, stressful, worrying, exciting and totally terrifying all at the same time and that is just me!!!! I cannot imagine what it is like for you ladies going through all that but I will tell you this much, there is no man reading this that would disagree with me when I say that the way we love you and how much goes through the roof after we watch you go through what you do for the sake of that little man or lady.

My wife gave birth to 10 pound Eddie on only gas and air!! How does anyone do that!!!!

Speaking of gas and air if I am to give you any advice Fella’s it might to be to wait until the midwives have popped out before you go getting on that, I got some rather questionable looks when I started chugging away when Sal was only “ 7 centimetres “.

Eddie2That is it for us now there will be no more we have agreed on that. The fact that we have been blessed with 2 such beautiful young men means I think we will stop there; I don’t wanna push my luck. That & the fact that the last 3 weeks have shown me I couldn’t cope with any more.

However that will not be the end of the pain oh no!!!! I think I should do the honourable thing and go visit a Dr……… 1 with a big pair of scissors OUCH!!!!!!!

Take care


Squeaky Bum Time

Been a while since I have been here…… sorry……. Been rather busy, crazy busy in fact.

But I have news!!!! Well sort of!!!! TODAY IS DUE DATE!!!!

My darling Sally Ann has done an amazing job keeping our little un safe in her tummy, the last 9 months have been very very testing for her as it is for all you ladies who do such a hard job giving up your bodies for the sake of your kids but now the time is here and we are waiting with baited breath…

Anyone reading this that has kids will remember the mixed barrel of emotions that I am going through now, excitement, nerves, panic & to be honest more than a little bit of fear in there too, like many husbands & boyfriends I know I wont be able to relax until I have my son safely in my arms and know that the woman I love is safe.

I cannot wait to meet this little man, I can’t wait to see his Mum holding him and I am even excited to see how Reuben his big bother reacts to not being the sole receiver of our parental skills!!!!! I bet he’s gonna hit the roof!!!!!

I am so proud of my wife I can’t even tell you….. & I am a very lucky man to have been blessed with such love.

I will keep you posted!

Now go and give someone you love a big kiss!!!!

Love the soppy one,

J x

Stay away from the UGG boot!!!!

That was summer then!?!? The end of long days, warm nights and people wearing skimpy outfits and the beginning of short days, cold and rainy nights and good looking people like you and I wearing far too much clothing!!!

For the first time in a long while I think we got our monies worth out of summer. I had some great days in my garden, in the parks and on the beaches, spent far too much money in beer gardens across Sussex and ate my weight many times over in BBQ chicken and Halloumi ( which by the way if you haven’t tried yet you need to, it will knock you on your arse it’s that good )…… It has been bloody great.


Autumn seems to have well and truly arrived, as I sit here typing it is blowing a gale outside, everything is sodden and the forecast says it will stay like that all week. Crap……… Or is it???

I reckon there’s a lot to like about this time of year, Halloween, bonfire night, cosying up with the family in the warm and spending just as much time in the pub as before only now in front of a roaring fire as opposed to in a garden trying to keep the wasps out of your corona.

And of course Christmas but I can’t bear to go there yet, I can already hear the hints about UGG boots and Stella McCartney Perfume & they bring me out in a cold sweat and palpatations, how much for a pair of UGG boots man???? Mr & Mrs UGG live in a big house of that there is no doubt!

I have more than most to look forward to this Autumn as next month ( cervix permitting ) my darling Sally Ann will give birth to our second son. We’re awaiting his arrival with baited breath…… and squeaky bums. She has done a remarkable job with our first Reuben and I can’t wait to see her hold the new little lad. Your pretty bloody good you mums are!!

I hope your summer was as good as mine and I hope your autumn / winter treats you well but more than any of that I hope whether your man or woman, adult or child, dedicated follower of fashion or just someone who likes their feet sweaty…………. I really hope your other half doesn’t ask you for UGG boots this Christmas.

Take care.

J x

You can’t look cool doing that!!!

I fell over the other day. I was playing tennis with Tom Evans my illustrious co host and dear friend!!!

We were doing our best to look like Federer & Murray as we flung ourselves around court six at Wickwoods with all the aplomb and grace of a couple of drunk tramps trying to keep the flies away from the food they had just taken from the bins behind Wagamamas, and then I lost it………… Tom had gone for a lob but it was falling short, sitting perfectly 10 feet in the air primed for me to deliver a perfect Sampras style smash. I ran forward like a man possessed, charging the ball like William Wallace the original Braveheart charging the English all them years ago in a field in Glasgow or somewhere. I leaped…. swung my racket head at the ball….. then just at the perfect moment……. I tripped on my shoelace and fell Arse over Tit into a pathetic heap on the floor, Tom suppressed his laughter, the people on court 5 did not!!

It did not look cool in fact I have decide that it deserves a place in my top 5 things that you will never ever ever look cool doing & that list looks like this.

5) Being fast asleep

4) Falling over on a tennis or any other kind of court including magistrate ( yes I speak from experience ).

3) Running for any type of public transport & missing it.

2) Walking on a pebbly beach in barefoot

1) Trying to shoo a wasp away from your food in a pub garden.

As I write this it dawns on me that I have done all of these in the last month so the realisation has hit me that after 39 years on this earth I am not cool!! That hurts.

You would never see Johnny Depp shooing away a wasp he would just catch it and place onto a rose-bush, Justin Timberlake can not only run but dance on pebbles and there is no way James Dean would have ever fallen over playing any game ever.

Never mind though eh it could be worse………………………… I could be Tom!!!!

Take care

J x

The times they are a changing

A big week for Heart breakfast the radio show I present along with my co – host and good friend Tom, our new girlie Nicole Hume started along side us.

I have no doubt that Nicola is going to do a superb job here at Heart, she is funny, charming and very hungry to succeed, she will be great.

Nicola is the 4th female co host I have worked with on the breakfast show in the near 10 YEARS!!!! ( can you believe that ) I’ve been on the air & over the weekend I couldn’t help but think about the 3 that came before her.

Of course when I started here in 2004 I was looked after by the wonderful Nicky Keig – Shevlin for a couple of years. Nicky was & remains a great friend who always had a kind word for me in my first few months on air. I will always love & respect “ Nickers “.

Lynsey Bartlett followed Nicky & Lyns, Tom and I went on to have a fair bit of success with our show, winning a Sony radio award along the way before Lynsey left to start a family, a job she is doing tremendously well it must be said.

Who can forget the fabulous Kaz Carter?? Brilliant, funny, lovely Kaz, with a giggle that you would never tire of Kaz has become a firm friend. I really hope she goes on to get all the happiness she deserves.

I’ve been lucky to work with all of them and now Nicola is here with fire in her belly and big shoes to fill. Fill them she will.

Almost 10 years on air!!!! It stuns me it has been that long. I’ve met and worked with some fabulous people, some I’m still in touch with & some I’m not and one who is no longer with us, I have certainly found myself thinking of the wonderful Chris Copsey of late. A man that will never be forgotten.

It was the legendary Bob Dylan that said “The times they are a changing”.

That they are.

J x

Where does the time go??

I had the most amazing day the Sunday just gone, the weather looked good so I told my Sal that we needed to check for meat in the freezer and marinade in the fridge because the BBQ was going on & when I BBQ I take it very seriously!!! It is not about just chucking a banger, a burger and a lonely chicken wing on the grill oh no. It’s about Chicken, pork, lamb all marinated with love and care, some spicy some sweet, but all deserving of a spot on the charred grill I call my blank canvas. That and cold beer of course.

I am sure loads of you have enjoyed being outdoors over the last month or so, the weather has been amazing and the garden, beach or park just seem to call me and mine. Everything seems so much better when the sun is out. Everything looks nicer, people smile more I even had a pleasant chat with a traffic warden?!?!?! The heat really does do strange things to folk.

But back to Sunday.

Amongst others I had my 2 best and oldest friends Paul & Jim around with their families, they like me both have a young son, there is only about a year between all 3 of our boys but due to work & life in general we really don’t get the chance to get them together as much as we would like & on Sunday for pretty much the 1st time the 3 of them played together for hours, played & played & played and as we watched them I reckon us 3 dads were thinking the same thing…………………. My God we are proper grown ups now!!!!!!! & we really are!!  We were talking about trimming hedges, the size of the boots in our cars, Paul even admitted his favourite CD at the moment is the soundtrack to the Disney film Spirit : Stallion of the Cimarron by Bryan Adams!!

But you know what despite our obvious rock n roll lifestyles and believe me they were that being long gone I loved every minute of it!!

I’m not scared of getting old……. I’ve so much to look forward too, not just seeing how Sal and I cope raising 2 boys but also seeing how Paul & Jim do at the same thing, so far I think the 3 of us are doing a half decent job as Dad’s you know, they really are 3 smashing lads.

I’m going to be Paul’s best man in October when he marries his lovely Sarah and it really will be one of the proudest days of my life because what they say is true you know………… Old friends are the best.

J x

Women are tougher than men

Isn’t it strange how sometimes life and the idea you have of how the next day, week or month is gonna pan out doesn’t end up anything like it was supposed to. I have had a strange couple of weeks you know.

My summer holiday to Cyprus was lovely, sun, sea, good food, good wine all in the company of people I love. I came home glad of the break and feeling ready for the build up to Sally Ann and I welcoming our 2nd Son in October, I was ready for the madness, the mess, the chaos a new born brings. I was ready to once again meet the greatest challenge in this life, raising a child…. and then I had a wisdom tooth out!!!! OH MY GOD!!


I have never known pain like it, not just immediately after but the whole week after, total and utter agony, relentless pain, my mouth felt like I would imagine the asteroid in Armageddon did as Bruce Willis and his band of merry men started hammering into it with their oversized Hollywood drills.

The pain has subsided somewhat now, my mouth is starting to feel like the one I love and many others hate once again, but during this whole drama I have been reminded of something……..

Women are tougher than men!!!!

My Sal is 7 months pregnant and she has spent the last 2 weeks working, looking after our 3 year old as well as her pathetic husband and she hasn’t moaned once, all the while I have been moping around like the proverbial smacked ****. I will say it again fellas, women are tougher than men. It’s true.

As well as being reminded of that I’ve also been reminded that it’s good to make plans but you must always be prepared for them plans to change more times than a wife getting ready for a night out.

Especially if you don’t look after your bloody teeth!!!!

Take care

J x